Your shoes are ugly

If I don’t like your shoes, I’m not going to date you. I might sleep with you, but I won’t date you. Obviously, I have really high standards. When I thought about how ugly shoes are a dealbreaker for me (crocs, for example, will never earn you a date or a sexual favor), I kind of realized I was shallow. Then I didn’t care. Then I thought about other dealbreakers. Bask in my shallow traits. BASK, I say.

Top 5 dealbreakers (aside from bad shoes):

5. Your favorite band sucks. If you like Nickelback, you suck. I was going to try to come up with a clever play on words for that, but then I decided it wasn’t worth my time. Just like people who listen to Nickelback.
4. You don’t use the correct forms of too/to/two, your/you’re, and there/their/they’re. I don’t care if you’re brilliant in whatever BS field you’re in: you’re still a moron.
3. You text me 2572035 times when you’ve known me for 24 hours. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.
2. You suck at sports. If I’m more athletic than you, I feel emasculated for you. So don’t worry, I know how awkward you feel.
1. You don’t like Arrested Development. If you haven’t seen it, I’ll still consider dating you. If you’ve seen it and “don’t get it” or think it’s stupid, we just won’t work out because my life is a series of Arrested Development quotes.

Man, I’m kind of a betch.